Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

 

Some days I just sit around and think about how sometimes I think too much. For example, why can’t five plus five be fifty. Now think about that, if we just changed the math, we all would have more money. And, I think about other crazy things too; why are all those chicken walking around outside trying to cross the road anyway? Why can't Friday come after Monday so we could have more weekends? And why do socks always disappear in the dryer but never reappear in the refrigerator? And why do traffic lights never blink when you're running late but always seem to wink when you're early? Or why can't alarm clocks snooze themselves so we could sleep until we're actually ready? And why, oh why, do clouds tease us with shapes like dragons and ships, but never drop a single gold coin?

But anyway, below is a collection of short, witty, and somewhat wise sayings to spark inspiration or bring a smile to your face. Whether you're preparing a speech, seeking a clever quip, or just need a dose of humor and wisdom, these little gems are here to help. Hopefully you will see a few you haven't heard before. Enjoy.

1. A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure

2. Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.

3. Better days are coming--they're called Sat & Sun. 

4. Be yourself--everyone else is already taken

5. Don’t worry about what people think they don’t do it often.

6. Dynamite comes in small packages.

7. Eat dessert first, because tomorrows not promised.

8. Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

9. Half of the people in the world are above average.

10. Half of the people in the world are below average.

11. Hay is for horses.

12. He couldn't ride a sick chicken.

13. He died from not forwarding that email to 10 people.

14. He is Achin' for a Breakin.

15. He is Cruisin' for a Bruisin.

16. He is Itchin' for a Switchin.

17. He’s a couple French fries short of a Happy Meal.

18. Hindsight is an exact science.

19. Hurry, we’re burning daylight.

20. I believe in following my dreams, but first, I'm going to take a nap.

21. I could do that until the cows come home.

22. I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

23. I do all my ironing in the dryer.

24. I don’t have a midlife crisis; I’m just upgrading my chaos.

25. I don’t snore; I’m just dreaming of chainsaws.

26. I don’t trip; I do random gravity checks.

27. I drink coffee because adulting is hard.

28. I have a stool appointment with the bathroom.

29. I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.

30. I put the “fun” in dysfunctional.

31. I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

32. I think my brain has too many tabs open.

33. I'm busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.

34. I'm not a morning person. I'm a coffee person.

35. I lost my mood ring, and I don't know how to feel about it.

36. I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition.

37. I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

38. If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

39. If wishes were horses, then all men would ride.

40. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

41. It's easier to ride a horse in the direction it is going.

42. It's like a $40 saddle on a $20 horse.

43. It's raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock.

44. I’d adult, but I’m still buffering.

45. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

46. I’d exercise, but it’s not in my Wi-Fi range.

47. I’d go to the gym, but my couch filed for custody.

48. I’m busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

49. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

50. I’m not clumsy, the floor just loves me too much.

51. I’m not forgetful, I’m just creating plot twists.

52. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my snack.

53. I’m not late; the clock’s just impatient.

54. I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

55. I’m not lost; I’m just exploring alternative routes.

56. I’m not procrastinating, I’m giving the task time to mature.

57. I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.

58. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.

59. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

60. Life’s a journey—pack snacks.

61. Life’s short—pet all the dogs.

62. Life’s too brief to take bad selfies.

63. Life’s too short to match socks.

64. Live like it’s your last day but pay your bills first.

65. Mad enough to chew nails and spit tacks.

66. Man who walks behind car will get exhausted.

67. Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

68. My bed and I have a special connection—we’re inseparable.

69. My brain has too many tabs open.

70. My brain’s 80% song lyrics, 20% panic.

71. My cooking’s so bad, the smoke alarm cheers me on.

72. My diet plan: eat now, regret later.

73. My life's current status: loading... please wait.

74. My life’s a comedy, but I forgot the punchline.

75. My phone’s battery lasts longer than my relationships.

76. My wallet is like an onion. Opening it makes me cry.

77. My wallet’s so empty, it echoes when I open it.

78. No matter where you go, there you are.

79. Not worth the salt that goes in their bread.

80. Nothing tops a plain pizza.

81. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

82. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

83. People with narrow minds usually have long tongues.

84. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

85. She was madder than an old wet hen.

86. Silence speaks.

87. Sit tight, I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

88. Sometimes life is a bowl of soup and a fork.

89. Standing on the toilet will make you high on pot. 

90. That’s all, folks. Now this. 

91. The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

92. The man who walks in front of car will get tired.

93. The more sins you confess, the more books you will sell.

94. The only marathon I run is on Netflix.

95. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

96. Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

97. To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing. 

98. What does it mean if the holy water sizzles when it hits your skin?

99. You're a good kid, but who likes goats.

100. Nothing to see here. 

101. Share This with Others - See What Happens

Well, I've had more fun than a barrel of monkeys sharing these with you, and now I'm as happy as a clam at high tide. I hope you got a kick out of them, and if not, well, I'm just tickled pink anyway, and if God willing and the creek don’t rise, I hope to see you here again soon.

Thanks for reading,

And be sure to watch this Video

Let's Make You Smile

Tom